Finding a way through the pain

Why has it been so hard for me to finish mom's story? I want so badly to get through her cancer story and focus on the good, positive memories I have of her. It seems that is all I have left. And as time goes by, I fear that I am losing them bit by bit. I want to continue to be chronicling my memories and thoughts about her, b/c I'm afraid of losing them too. And mostly, I want Braddock and my other children growing up knowing her. I want to eventually compile all these stories in a book format w/ different chapters. I want my children to know how wonderful she was. And I don't want death to be a taboo subject.

But, I find myself neglecting this avenue (blog) to sort out all my thoughts, memories, grief, and regrets. I can't believe how much time has passed since Sept. 23, 2005. I can't believe she's been gone for over 5 years. It still seems so wrong. She was supposed to be here. She was too young to die. She was supposed to be visiting me and enjoying her grandson. She was supposed to be teaching him and me all those things we had left to learn from her.

It has been so hard for me to go "there". I have to truly be present in order to be able to recall memories and feel them. I know that working a full-time job and now being a full-time mother has really hindered me from experiencing the loss of my mother and being able to get out it all out (all the memories, grief, etc.). I stopped writing about her when I began working. It's just too much to deal w/ on top of being busy.

But, I have to find a way to do this. It is so good for me. For I have found that when I don't try to process my grief, thoughts, and memories, it starts building up like lava in a volcano... and after enough time, I EXPLODE. The unspoken and unresolved feelings bubble up over time and turn into a raging flow of anger. Something sets me off, and I unleash all the anger and pain I've been holding inside... and Ryan is usually the recipient of all that wrath. I do NOT want to continue doing this to him and I really do NOT want to do this to Braddock one day. But, that's what happens w/ my unresolved grief. I begin hurting so, so bad - and I'm usually unaware in that moment of where it is coming from - all I know is that I am lonely, hurting, angry, longing, and wanting. I get so angry I feel like I'm shaking inside. I literally feel like a volcano. Something deep w/in me is shaken and stirred up... then it begins to bubble up, often through hot tears that turn into raging anger b/c I am so scared to break down.

I am terrified of breaking down, b/c who understands? I don't know why I have longed for someone to join me in my grief... why I have been so terrified to go there alone. It's like when I'm struck w/ a memory or a longing, that I'm staring down this dark, winding path of grief and I am so, so scared to walk it alone. I want so badly for someone to join me and hold my hand and say,
"It's ok, I'm here... you can cry.
You can feel this.
It won't kill you.
I will be here to hold you.
I am not afraid of your pain."

I'm afraid of my pain. I'm afraid it will kill me sometimes. I'm afraid of being alone in it. I don't know how to do this anymore w/ having Braddock here. He is such a delight, and he demands so much of my attention. I guess I feel wrong for feeling the grief and pain when I have someone in my life that brings me so much joy. But, I am truly doing him a disservice in the long run b/c I am giving him a truncated version of myself. I am not being true to who I am when I do not allow myself to grieve. It's ok for him to see me cry or see me sad - b/c that is real. That is life. Now, I would be more worried if I couldn't pull myself out of the grief. But, right now, I'm not even allowing myself to feel it.

I have to find a way through this pain. I have to find the courage to walk down the dark, lonely road of grief and hand over my fears to God. I have to let him tell me it's ok, I'm not alone, and that He is not afraid of my pain.

I have to let Him be my way through the pain.