The art of "settling"

I started to write this post around Mother's Day this year... but never finished it. I still haven't found the time to "finish" this post or even work out these thoughts in my heart... but thought I'd wrap it up and share anyways:

I don't know how to stop and "feel". Feel the sadness, the emptiness, the pain that her absence leaves behind. I go through my days, preoccupying my mind w/work, baby stuff, Ryan, books, etc. I have lost the art of "settling"... letting all these surface-y things settle long enough for me to feel whats happening beneath.

You do that long enough and what's "beneath" usually finds a way of spilling over...

Today, between doing "things", I felt this immense, heavy sadness. A sadness I could not ignore. I had no idea where it came from. It just descended upon me like a heavy cloud. I felt as though a deep, dark place was being exposed inside my heart... an aching wound that had been hidden... a faint cry that had been silent for too long. I glimpsed this for a second and immediately wanted to push it away. I didn't look at it long enough to find it's source... but something tells me I don't have to look long to know.

I know this wound... though it has been a long time since I have tended to it. I know it. I'm beginning to wonder if wounds like this really heal. You know, the kind of healing that allows it to scab over and then turn into a scar. There are times when I think it "feels" less painful... maybe that's the stage of grief where the wound has turned into a scar. But then there are other times when it feels like the scar bursts open, exposing a nasty wound that needs immediate attention...

Even now my heart starts to beat irregularly just thinking about it. I feel this tightness in my chest and it's almost as if I can feel a physical wounding of my spirit, soul, and heart.

And just as I was descending into this wound... letting things "settle" long enough to see what was beneath... duty calls and busy-ness takes over my time and thoughts. More "dust" (meaningless things) being kicked up and all around. And here I am, weeks later... and have barely been able to give thought or attention to these things "beneath". I worry about the condition of my heart and soul as I continue to be "busy" and lose sight of these deeper rumblings of my heart.

I need to practice this art of "settling" more... being still long enough to allow God to bring these deeper things to light. Taking time to acknowledge that no matter how much time has passed, how "ok" I may feel at times... I still need His healing touch.