Thoughts from The Piper's blog

My friend, Lacy, introduced me to this blog - which I have enjoyed reading from time to time. It's a really great blog authored by John Piper's daughter-in-law, Molly Piper. She has a lot of good thoughts/posts on how to help a grieving friend as she has walked through the grief of losing her 2nd child, shortly after birth. Her last post about her pregnancy after losing her 2nd child really hit me and got me to thinking. She got pregnant w/ her 3rd child a few months after losing her 2nd and she didn't share w/ the world (via blog) that she was pregnant until she had the baby.

At first that seems odd to continue a blog and not ever tell anyone that you are about to have a baby. But as I was reading and thinking about Zion, I began to understand. This 2nd pregnancy has been different than the 1st and I can get confused about that sometimes. I was so, so elated w/ our 1st pregnancy - I wanted to shout from the roof tops that I was pregnant... and I kinda did.

But I've been more subdued and w/drawn w/ this 2nd pregnancy. I hate to admit that, but it's true. So many fears have crept in as a result of losing our 1st pregnancy and I feel like there has been this little dark cloud hanging above this pregnancy. That doesn't mean that I'm not excited about this baby or that I haven't had my moments of joy. But I've noticed that I am so much more guarded. I'm scared to bond w/ this baby b/c I'm scared of losing it. I can't imagine going through what Molly or so many other women go through when losing a child at birth. And I think I am so much more aware that there isn't a 'safe' time. Just b/c I'm in my 2nd trimester doesn't mean I'm 'safe' from being hurt.

I can understand her not wanting to share w/ the world about her 3rd pregnancy, right after losing a child. The first 3 months were like that for me. Part of me wanted to share w/ people, but then another part wanted to keep it a secret... keep that part to ourselves. One of the only reasons we did share was so that people could pray for us. I could only imagine that if I had carried a child to full-term and then lost the baby that I would want to keep the next pregnancy secret all the way up to the end. It's almost as though that time is sacred and has become too personal to share. It's not the typical, "oh, hey everyone, we're pregnant!" I would imagine that there are so many other emotions, fears, and grieving a part of that, that is too vulnerable to share w/ so many people.

Anyways, I had many thoughts/feelings after reading Molly's post... but feel I am starting to ramble and will stop here. If you get a chance to check out her blog - it's good and worth the time! She's better at articulating her thoughts and feelings in a non-ramble way. ; ) Something I have yet to learn!