On a journey...

I didn't intend to take this long of a break from my blog. Originally, I wanted to wrap up my mother's cancer story w/in a couple of months b/c I really didn't want to dwell on that part of her story that long - I would much rather skip to the good memories and happy times. However, as I've mentioned time and time again... it's taken me much longer than I anticipated.

There are a couple reasons that have led to this long break. #1 I've been working a lot. #2 Ryan and I found out we were pregnant in December. #3 I've lost my heart somewhere along the way.

#1 is pretty self-explanatory. So, on to #2. To make a long story short, Ryan and I really want to be parents and I have longed to be pregnant. We were really upset by losing our first pregnancy in late July of last year. We were, of course, elated when we found out we were pregnant again in mid-December... however, I was experiencing some complications which made us even more cautious and fearful. Well, I am now past the 'big hump'. Presently I am 14wks and in my 2nd trimester. Last time I only made it to the 12th wk. Unfortunately, Ryan and I have been very fearful of losing this pregnancy, which has dampered the warm, fuzzy, and excited feelings. Which, in an attempt to protect myself... I believe has added more fuel to #3...

Losing our first pregnancy was so disappointing. I wouldn't say that it was completely disheartening... b/c we still had faith - it was just hard. Harder than we expected. And I've noticed w/ myself that I go through seasons where I am just shut-down. It feels like I'm locked out of my heart, so to speak... the place where all those sacred memories are held, where my dreams are born, where all those intense emotions spill forth. The place from which I can truly live and breathe. I'm sure for some self-protecting reason, I lock myself out. Weeks and sometimes months pass by w/out me noticing. Then I look up one day and realize how 'shut-out' and 'shut-down' I am. And it's hard for me to relive memories and experience true joy or real grief when I'm locked outside of my heart. It seems impossible for me to process my feelings or even experience the here and now... well, b/c I'm not in touch w/ myself or God.

Sometimes it takes a whole other journey just to get back inside... and that's where I am right now. I never know what will be the breaking moment... but God always knows exactly what I need, when I need it. Even though I've been here many times before, He has never ceased to amaze me w/ how He gets us back inside. So, I will wait patiently and ask Him to come and work His magic in breaking this lock guarding my heart... keeping us both out.

Perhaps when I return from this 'journey' I can jump back into telling mom's story and processing where I am, and sharing more about this pregnancy. Many thanks to my friends who have been patient w/ me as I've been a bit 'out of it'. I deeply appreciate your love, prayers, and concern.