But what the doctors (and I) didn’t understand is that mom needed and wanted to be a part of this process so bad. She saw this as her last hope of creating one of those once in a lifetime memories w/ her ‘baby’.
I had no idea. There was so much miscommunication and feelings flying around. Her husband didn’t help the situation either, as he seemed to only stir up trouble. He had told me before that he wanted to pay for the wedding. So, I said ok…
[And for the record – Ryan and I were not planning an elaborate wedding by any means – we just wanted a special, simple wedding w/ close family and friends. As soon as I found out mom was sick – I threw out a lot of things I wanted for our wedding and tried to stick to the bare bones necessities. I had even considered us eloping w/ family – thinking that would be the easiest solution and so that we weren’t requiring all this attention during this really important time – but mom did not like that idea at all and insisted on us planning a wedding.]
So, once I started to buy simple things for the wedding… all I heard was complaining (from her husband). It was so sad, ‘R’ would even complain to my mom about how expensive her medical bills were going to be… like she needed to be worrying about that.
When I would sit down w/ mom, she would have all these ideas for the wedding… but they were ideas that required money. I had to repeatedly tell her that we were keeping it simple and didn’t see the necessities of traditional things, especially at a time like this and when money was tight. After trying to balance my mom’s ideas and ‘R’s constant complaining of me spending money – I finally said ‘no more’. I handed the planning over to Ryan, along w/ the bill… his family ended up stepping in to help w/ the remaining costs.
I was at my wits end and so sick of trying to make everyone happy (and it wasn’t just pressure from my family I was feeling). I didn’t want me and Ryan to be the focus for such a long period of time (I never dreamed it was a happy distraction for mom). I saw it simply as a burden that I could no longer carry.
But what I later learned is that mom felt like I was robbing her of one of her most longed for and cherished memories. She wrote me a letter about 2 weeks before the wedding explaining how I had made her feel. It was crushing. I felt horrible. I felt like it was all miscommunication. I thought I was doing the best thing by passing this ‘burden’ to someone else and allowing me and mom to focus on what I thought was more important things. And to mom, what she saw was her opportunity of being w/ her daughter as she begins her new life and being a part of such a sacred memory slipping away.
Oh what I’d give to know then what I know now. But, I tried my best to communicate my heart to mom despite her husband’s efforts to divide us. So, what I know now is to take comfort in the fact that our bond was much stronger than this miscommuni- cation and that mom knows my heart. I try not to think about this time at all, but when I do - I have to remind myself that God is so much bigger than any of the messes we can make here and He makes all things right.
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