What Sarah Said

Have you ever listened to a song a hundred times before and then one day, you listen to it again and feel like you’ve heard it for the first time?

That’s what happened to me today while I was listening to this song. I usually love listening to it b/c of the piano – and if there’s a song that makes me want to learn to play, it’s this one. But for some reason, the lyrics really stood out to me today. And after listening closely, I couldn’t believe I had never really heard it before.

Some of the lines that stuck out to me where:

“It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds.”

Boy how I feel this is true! And this is one of the very reasons for this blog. I’m terrified of losing my memories of mom, for it’s all I have left. I’ve realized that over the years, things start to change and distort in your mind… and then you start to forget. That’s the worse part. So, every time a memory of mom pops into my head, I add it to a list that I will later blog about and hopefully in the years to come I’ll have a whole book full of memories and stories about her. Maybe I’ll be reading them one day and think “wow, I forgot about that”… and how nice will it be to have it there before my eyes where I don’t have to rely on this ‘faulty camera’ in my mind.

“Love is watching someone die.”

So in those 5 little words, I was reminded that my mother wasn’t alone when she died. In the coming months, I’m sure you’ll see that that was one of the hardest things for me – how my mother died. I was just in the other room and didn’t even know… and that will always haunt me. I so desperately wanted to be there for her. I didn’t want her to be alone. But it’s little stuff like this song that God uses to remind me that He was there… and He wasn’t just watching, He was there in that moment w/ her, ushering her soul into His presence… or into a peaceful rest that will later enjoy His presence. Either way, He was there. And she was not alone.

And just like that, God revived my heart, in a sense. I’ve been avoiding finishing up this series b/c the next post was going to be hard… hell, a lot of these upcoming posts are going to be hard. But it is good for me.

There are times when it’s easier to be numb and not remember these things… or to just live in the happy and good parts of life. But I want to learn to live w/ both and be thankful for both in the same breath. B/c it’s the sorrow and the suffering in life that make everything else sweeter (if you let it). And it’s hard to really experience the joy in life if you don’t allow yourself to experience the sorrow as well.

So, however hard reliving some of this may be, I know God will bless it and allow me to live from a deeper, more healthy and rich place.