Desire to 'parent': my nieces & nephew

I have found myself asking this question repeatedly in my mind, "Where does this desire come from?"... this desire to 'parent'. I have a deep longing and desire to be a 'mom' and 'parent' a lil one. I have had this desire for a long, long time. And as I sit here, I'm trying to recall where all this started... and I'm sure that God had planted this desire in my heart before my sister had kids, but that's the time I knew it grew and flourished to what it is today. Healthy or unhealthy... I don't know.

When my sister gave birth to my first niece Savannah, I was 13 yrs old. My sister was 17 and it was her 2nd pregnancy (her first was a miscarriage). I was so, so eager to meet this little one. I remember pacing the hall outside the delivery room (I refused to wait in the waiting room) when Savannah was being born. I remember feeling so privileged to just hear my niece being born - it was wonderful. Savannah became a huge part of me and my mother's life. My sister and I were very close and as a result Savannah felt like another sister. I was there for every lil moment as she was growing up.

Then Cassidy came along when I was 17 yrs. This felt different b/c I was older and Cassidy and Savannah felt less like my lil sisters, but more like my children. At that point, I was spending 3-4 nights out of the week at my sisters and the majority of my time there was taking care of the girls while my sister and her husband worked. And I loved it! I got to 'play' mom to what felt like my children. I wasn't babysitting - this was different. I had babysat many, many kids - but this was something different altogether. I got to put them to bed, say their prayers w/ them, and sing them to sleep. It was my favorite part of the day. It was when I decided what the name of my first little girl would be and what I would sing her every night as she fell asleep. I wanted to stay in those moments w/ them forever - those innocent, sweet, beautiful moments.

When I became a Christian in college, things changed. The way I saw the girls and my role in their life had become much more meaningful and purposeful. My love had grown for them in a way I hadn't thought possible. And now more than ever, they needed someone in their life b/c their parents were going through a nasty divorce and my sister was on a downward spiral that was spining their worlds completely out of control.

I remember God giving me moments w/ them where He allowed me to see myself through His eyes. In those moments I thought to myself how wonderful it would be to have children b/c the opportunities for God to minister to both our hearts through that relationship were limitless. There are so many wonderful moments w/ them that God used to enlarged my heart for children. And not for just any children, but for them specifically and for this desire and deep longing to be a mother.

I am forever grateful to my nieces and nephew for sharing their little hearts and lives w/ me... for letting me get lost in a moment w/ them... for allowing me to be apart of the changing seasons of their lives... for God using them to cause me to wonder in awe at His beauty through their eyes.