We found out on a Thursday (July 30th) that our baby's heart stopped beating on a Tuesday (July 28th)... so exactly a week later from the baby's death, Ryan took me in to have the surgery to 'remove' the baby. It was an odd feeling to carry the baby for a week, knowing that it was not living. I was so eager to go in and have this procedure, b/c I just couldn't bear the thought of carrying our dead baby. The doctor said it would be too traumatic for me to 'pass' the baby at home b/c I was further along (almost 12 wks) and it would be best to have the surgical procedure. I don't think there's any easy way around it - but perhaps this was a bit easier.

So, I had the D&C this Tuesday. It was an emotional experience - even though we were only at the hospital for a couple hours - it still felt very serious, and not right. But I have recovered quite well (physically that is).
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It's so weird. I got so used to being pregnant in this past month and a half. Watching everything I ate, thinking about everything I did in terms of the baby growing inside me, holding and rubbing my tummy at random times, wondering what baby was doing, thinking about the next several months in terms of how big I and the baby would be, preparing for labor and delivery, wondering if baby was a boy or girl and what he/she would look like. We already had names picked out. I had all the dates marked on my calendars of when the baby got another month closer to coming. It's impossible for me to name all the ways Ryan and I were ready for this baby and how our daily lives were changing b/c of it.

And then all of a sudden - stop.

Just like that. It's all over. All of a sudden, it doesn't matter how much caffeine I have. I don't have to take my prenatals. And then, when Ryan or I rubbed my tummy - it was different. Our baby wasn't there. I was carrying the baby - but it had no heartbeat - and what was our baby, was already gone.

It all feels so wrong. But in the midst of all this - we know that God loves us and that He did not do this. So, even though our plans for the future feel crushed at the moment, we're clinging to this truth:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."