Pages from her story: July 16, 2005

"Day has passed by. Another gone... Didn't do anything that I was going to do today!
Tired...
Slept in bed last night!! Was hurting so bad!!!
I've go to get in the shower and do something today! My head is soaking wet from sweat.
Found my 'Daily Stepping Stones' book Sara Jane got me in 1992!!! I read it to Daddy some when he was sick. Better go."

This hurts. I was reading this today and fell apart. I can't even begin to express how badly I miss her. I can't even say those words w/out crying.

I have so, so many regrets during that time mom was sick and this journal entry reminds me of them. It reminds me of how I was not there for her. It reminds me of how I wanted to be there for her. It reminds me of how I was not 'allowed' to be there for her (that's another story in and of itself).

Thank goodness I was able to grab this book she speaks of here. I'm so glad that I have it and am able to look at it. The first page I opened to was this. I wasn't able to finish reading it the first time through b/c I was crying so hard. I wish so badly I would have sat by mom's side and read this to her. This would have been the perfect one to read... as I'm sure she read it to her dad when he was dieing of the same cancer.

She deserved that. She deserved to have her daughters by her side, comforting her and spending precious time w/ her that could never be given back. I will attempt to share why that was so difficult another time when I'm not so angry about it. Right now, I have to focus on the 22 years we had together before those last 3 months of her life. I know that in those 22 years, our love and feelings for one another were made known... enough that 3 months of damage could not take away or change. It still hurts that I didn't know how to be there for her and when I did try, I was pushed away or made out to be a liar.