Lessons in Joy

After we lost the baby, I opened my Hinds' Feet on High Places book to this highlighted passage:

"He has brought me here when I did not want to come for His own purpose. I, too, will look up into His face and say, 'Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy.' "

Much-Afraid (who is on a journey to the High Places) encounters a golden-yellow flower growing all by itself in the desert (where she had been learning many difficult lessons). After meeting this flower (Acceptance-with-Joy), Much-Afraid says to herself the above phrase.

I had began reading this book for the 2nd time this past year (b/c I love it so much!). I started flipping through the pages after we found out we lost the baby and found it ironic that this was the first thing I came to. Coincidence? I think not. God knew I needed to hear this.

I was extremely bitter and rather hateful when I lost my mom almost 4 years ago. The last thing I wanted was to seek God. I was very angry w/ Him. So, when we found out we were pregnant - it was a constant prayer of mine that I would not turn my back on God if things didn't turn out how I expected or hoped. I wanted to be excited and not live in fear of what could happen - so this had to be my prayer. In order for me to fully experience the joy of being pregnant, I needed to trust God no matter what could happen.

Right after the surgery, a friend came over to cook dinner for me and Ryan. She brought all kinds of goodies, including flowers. The flowers were, believe it or not, golden-yellow sunflowers. Coincidence? I think not. And the other picture you see here is one I took 2 days after we found out (not realizing the significance). Maybe I'm looking into this too much (b/c sunflowers, after all, are very abundant in CO) but, I like to think it was God's reminder to me of my prayer.

Even though I find myself asking God (a lot), "How can one accept the hard things in life w/ Joy?" I'm beginning to trust Him w/ that question and learning that that kind of acceptance isn't something one can attain by one's self. And when I listen to songs like this, I get small glimpses of what 'Acceptance-with-Joy' is like b/c in those moments it's not about me... it's about HIM.

My hope and prayer is that as I continue on this journey, that I would be like Much-Afraid and learn to accept life's challenges w/ Joy in my heart b/c my sights are set on Something much higher than the things of this earth:

But she did not weep for long, for almost at once she caught sight of something else, a gleam of gold. Looking closer, what should she see but an exact replica of the little golden flower which she had found growing near the pyramids in the desert. Somehow it had been transplanted and was actually growing in her own heart. Much-Afraid gave a cry of delight, and the tiny golden thing nodded and said in its little golden voice, "Behold me, here I am, growing in your heart, 'Acceptance-with-Joy'."