Sharon's {cancer} Story: Wanting to do so much

Mom’s journal entries go on and on about how she needs to get up and ‘do’. She was so concerned w/ this. I think she was so shocked how fast her body was going downhill (we all were). I know she was frustrated that she couldn’t do the things she wanted to do… get family pictures made… swim in the pool… take Cassidy to her first day of kindergarten… help w/ wedding plans… plan Savannah’s 9^th b-day… etc, etc.

I remember mom wanting to go to this thrift store down the road so bad. I remember thinking why in the world would she want to do that. To me, it made no sense – she was dying… why did she want to go look at junk? But now I understand. She just wanted to be normal again and forget she was sick. Maybe she wanted to get lost in something so seemingly ‘meaningless’ b/c she was always dealing w/ such heavy things.

The decline of her health, use of her body, and mind were all too quick. I know that had to scare her. When she found out she was sick, I think she had this internal list of things she wanted to do before it was too late – but w/ no one there to help her do those things or push her to do them… days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months… then it was too late.

None of us had experienced the slow loss of someone so central to our lives. I believe we all were in shock and kept hoping that the next day would be better. None of us wanted to believe she was dying. So we weren’t focused on how we could help her ‘die’. We were all in denial and in turn made it harder for her to accept what was happening.

I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I could have helped her die. That may sound weird – but if you’ve experienced losing a loved one to a slow death, you know what I mean. If only I could go back… I would do things so differently.