Prior to diagnosis: One last birthday

February 3, 2005: My 22^nd birthday. I didn’t know it would be my last one w/ mom. Since I had gone away to college, we had got used to not seeing each other on birthdays, but she always knew how to make me feel special. That was another one of her gifts. Here is the email she sent me that day:

Hi Hon,
22 years ago today (at about this time in the am), I was in this hospital far away from home! Port Lavaca, Texas! I was almost half sick, coughing a lot and such and having a beautiful pink little girl! That decided half way thru labor that she wanted to stay in her Moma’s womb a little longer!!! Scared the DR. big time! Starts hollering at me, PUSH, PUSH!!!! And I’m very proud of her. Miss you.
Love you, going to get my coffee….
Have a wonderful day……………

I found this on my 23^rd birthday – my first w/out her. And I just cried and cried. I didn’t know what to do w/out her. That was a horrible day for me. That whole first year of ‘firsts’ w/out her was horrible. I remember Ryan wanting to take me out and I just couldn’t do it. All I wanted to do was stay locked in the bedroom and be depressed. When I found this, all I could think about was all my birthdays before that. Especially before I went to college.

Mom always went all out for our birthdays. She never had the money to buy us much… but that didn’t stop her from trying to make us feel so special. Sometimes she would embarrass me by how overboard she’d go. On my 18^th birthday she put streamers up all over my sis’ apartment (where I spent most of my time) and hung big pictures of me all over them… pics of me through the years. She also had Hollywood star glasses that we all wore (an inside joke). She would have all the family over and my best friend would usually be there to sing happy birthday to me like I was a lil girl. We would always have my favorite pizza and chocolate cake and Pepsi.

Mom surprising me w/ the camera (can you see the pics on the streamers? they're backwards)

Gosh, I didn’t realize how much I missed those silly birthdays until I didn’t have them anymore. Sometimes my birthdays would feel cheesy, but I know I always felt special. And to mom it was always about having fun, being silly, and spending time together. There was rarely an emphasis on the presents... unless she had got me something really special. What I remember most is mom trying to create a moment... And that's what I miss most. I miss feeling special like that.