Prior to diagnosis: A unique bond

**Background: My mom had married again in 2003 to what turned out to be a not so good person (I will refer to him as R from here on out). The one good thing I saw come from this marriage is that my mother adopted a wonderful man as her father. She had had a very painful relationship w/ her own dad (who had been – to put it mildly – an alcoholic). When she moved in w/ her new husband, she also moved in w/ his parents, so to speak (they were neighbors). She very quickly developed a strong connection w/ Pearl (her mother-in-law) and there was a healing bond taking place between her and her new 'dad' (as she called him).**

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(Paul, Pearl, and Mom)

R’s mother had been diagnosed w/ Alzheimer’s and was not looking to live long. When they received the phone call while in Tybee, they knew they had to head back to TN immediately. They didn’t know how long Pearl would live.

I didn’t know Pearl that well… what I knew is what my mom told me. R had had a tumultuous relationship w/ her and she didn’t seem to respond well to him. In fact, she didn’t seem to respond well to anyone… except mom. Mom always had that kind of affect on people. While Pearl was sick and bedridden, mom would sneak into her room and sit. I believe Pearl felt her peaceful presence and was comforted. Mom took care of Pearl during those days and would sit patiently as Pearl would share stories and talk nonsense.

I remember sitting on the couch w/ mom one night as she was telling me about taking care of Pearl that week. I winced when she told me about changing her diaper. I’ll never forget her looking at me and saying, “You’ll never know if you’ll have to change my diapers one day.” I remember thinking… “oh… I could never do that”. And it wasn’t even that I didn’t want to do that for her… I just could not picture her in that state… not my mom… not the strong, independent woman I knew. She was the one who took care of others… I don’t think anyone ever thought about taking care of her. And she knew that. Maybe that’s why she said it.

When Pearl got real bad, mom started sleeping w/ a baby monitor… she would call Paul when she heard something funny to tell him to check on Pearl. Mom and I were on the phone one night when she commented on how quite the monitor had been… I remember her saying, “I can’t hear her breathing… let me call you back.” Sure enough, when she went to check on Pearl, she had passed.

Mom had been expecting it. She had told me about the look in Pearl’s eyes. Mom had been sitting and visiting w/ her a lot there towards the end. Pearl couldn’t speak. But mom saw something in Pearl’s eyes that communicated something deep to her… I don’t think I could put words to what she saw, but I remember seeing mom’s reaction when she was telling me. It shook her. Pearl’s death shook her. And I don’t think it was more so the absence of Pearl than it was walking through death w/ her. Mom had been w/ her those last moments, saw that look in her eyes, and squeezed her hand. She noticed when Pearl stopped breathing. She saw Pearl slowly losing control of her body and mind… and I think that scared her.

But how were we to know that this would be mom’s near future. Cancer was eating away at every part of her body and we didn’t know it. I remember her later commenting on Pearl… how all along she was taking care of someone who was dying while she herself was dying. I don’t know how she did it.

She was an amazing woman and she never ceased to amaze me w/ her sincere compassion and her capacity to handle the worse in life w/ tenderness and grace.